Listen to your heart: What about love?

For anyone that has been reading these entries from me for the last few months, and compiling over 20 posts, you know that I almost always start out with a song title, then I proceed to fit a nice neat package together of what I can feel when I hear it if there was no context, but I only had to apply it to God and my walk with Him. I have a nice piece where I get down on myself, and talk about how only with His grace can I figure out what glaring issues in my life need repaired. It is usually upbeat by the end, and I have this feeling of accomplishment that under all the pressure of being a Christian* and with all the self-doubt, worthlessness, and power against me, I somehow come out better than I was. I have a habit of being sickeningly over-confident in my abilities when I have God on my side. I tend to step in where I would have once been very cautious. It is a great thing for one to have the confidence that God is his personal protector. It gives you strength beyond anyone that tried before you. It is one of the reasons I started this blog. I said, “God…if I can help one person…just ONE person, let me do it through my words.” Then I wrote my first blog, ‘Words with Christians,’ and this took off. And that day, I think I had more traffic on this site then ever before. I also think that I can schedule as many church related activities as possible, and do as many things outside of church for His glory as is humanly possible. Bottom line – when I have God first, back off, because you ain’t gonna get one by me. With that being said, this has been a hard last few months, and this post may not be the same structured upbeat version that you would always see from me. I have had a number of people come out of the woodwork to ask me what is wrong lately, and I have decided to give you a glimpse of what is wrong with me in this part of my present life. Why is it that a spiritual warrior, a man who couldn’t leap any higher towards God when he started this new found journey, and who constantly strives to beat the odds at every turn in His name is so melancholy and down? It is due partly to self-doubt, and partly to an unprovoked attack from the enemy lying in wait for me when I leave my house in the morning. It is a lesson to others that if an up and coming Christian can fall to Satan, then he can take anyone that he desires while on this realm and at any time. It is up to you to get a firm hold of your faith with God and hold on with eyes closed in the eye of the storm. If you waiver at all, then you will end up how I have these last few weeks to months.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Psalms 138:8

Get your tissues ready. The sobbing could or could not hit depending on where you are presently in your walk with God.

This last few weeks have been hard. The holidays are a fun filled time as I have blogged about recently, but things are different than they used to be. Now that we have a 4 year old, there are lots of gifts, lots of wrapping, lots of food to prepare, lots of decorations, and lots of travel. There are multiple events, and church commitments, to go along with work and pre-school. There is about 29 hours of stuff to fit into any given day when you also consider the every day stuff that we have also, such as meals, baths, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and everything else. Never mind that I can’t find enough time to regularly study my Bible, let alone during this struggle of a season. I find myself trying to “fit God in when I can.” Or “I can get to Him later when I have some more time.” This is some dangerous thought processes to have as the Bible clearly states that we are not promised tomorrow.** But here I was also starting to get down in my relationships: my relationship with my wife and child, and my relationship with God. Now, let me tell you as a reader, whether you know me or not, I get down on myself very easily. I have a very low self-esteem from multiple events in my youth and adult life. I am a very jolly person, but when I start to get upset I quickly pile on until I am buried under a mountain of issues. Also, I have come to the realization that I am depressed. A lot of the time, too. It is conditioning I suppose, that when I start to see things going bad, I tuck my tail and head for the hills. I have always ran. I am a genetic runner it seems. But since I received God into my life, I figured that I could stand and fight against all odds, because after all, If my God is with me then whom shall I fear? Problem is, Satan has continually called my bluff, and he is dead right about me. I am a coward in my body at times, meaning that I am a coward to my faith, and thus I feel like I do not live up to what I need to be as a Christian. You know, sometimes I think that it is merely a glimmer of hope that I can still even call myself a Christian. After the last few weeks, I am not sure that it is even safe to say that any more. If I was observing me as a role-model for other Christians, I assume that everyone would just dismiss it as a passing fad that was never a force; after all, if THIS is what a man of God is then why would anyone revere him? If I am left to my own decision making, then I will make bad decisions every time. Call it my flesh if you want, but I will call it a pre-disposition that I have had coupled with pre-conceived notions of how things tend to implode once I ever put my feelings on the line for anything that I care about. But that is only a nutshell of what has happened.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Still not crying yet? Not moved at all? maybe you are a better person and stronger Christian than I am. And if so, then maybe you can skip the rest of this post, and wait for a sunny day post like I am likely to have happen next week.*** I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. When I was a borderline alcoholic and abused drugs I still hardly ever cried like I have. I have been off by myself. I have avoided family, friends, and loved ones. I have had little time for things that I like to do, rather only playing late night video games, and watching tv shows from yesteryear. I think I sleep about 4 hours a night now as my mind constantly races. My lack of self esteem has helped contribute to my lack of exercise, which has helped me shoot back up from 197 to 218 as of yesterday morning. I am spiraling out of control. I have not hurt like this in some time. It has strained my marriage, causing further depression. Sometimes when I look at my daughter I just start to cry. I am almost crying as I write this. Do I need medication? No, I just need understanding. I need help to lift me up when I feel weak. Unfortunately the strain on my marriage has left me and my best friend at odds. She wants to help, but sometimes doesn’t have the patience to do so. I was talking to another dear friend today before I started to write this, and I used phrases like, “I have no line of sight to God right now. It’s like he is a lighthouse in a storm filled water, and I cannot paddle hard enough to get back to the shores.” I also said “If I looked at a Christian like me, hypocrite is what my lips would be saying -I am just a fair weather christian…I say I want Christ, but what I want is a decent life, and I strive to serve my life instead of Him. And it hurts me worse than anything.” I also told her that “I was happy that God deemed me not worthy at present to assist people in faith by becoming a Deacon. Imagine how bad that would be.” I told her: “God wasn’t just a “problem” that I needed fixed, He rather was a glaring omission in my life.  I think he allowed me to make so many horrible choices that I have resigned myself to no way out of it except through Him, but I can’t get to him due to my flesh. I fail daily and that makes me a failure at what I want to do for him, too.” I ended by finally saying, “It seems that the only thing I have now is a glimmer of hope in Christ, and my body is too wracked with pain to get to where I need to be.” Satan is winning here, folks. I don’t know what else to say. I am a classic case of someone that needs to be around other Christian folks, and yet I push any and every person away from me as quickly as possible now a days. That to me is a new kind of depression. One where I am not only apart from my family, but away from my God. I was almost at the end of a few different ropes, before I decided to seek help. Help for me started easily as I looked to some examples of adversity that are now thriving. One of course is Tim Tebow who has the sole responsibility of bringing Christianity into locker rooms, homes, and households everywhere after every football game. He is a light inside the dark world of leadership in pro sports, and outside of our church buildings. The man has to be God’s child – just look at what all he is accomplishing. But then I also had to break out the big gun. Well…small gun.

The ringer God picked that was going to whip MY hind end back out of my spiritual funk was my buddy Jamie Roberts.

Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful

Proverbs 27:5-6

Now, this “buddy” is not really a buddy at all. She is a loved one. In fact, she knows it, and my mom knows it, but even though she grew up in a different part of town and with different parents, she is my real sister. I love her. I love her very, very much in fact. She was my first girlfriend in elementary school. She was my first girlfriend in High School. Just thinking of her can put a smile on my face any time of day. She is now a very well respected friend of mine, who I often refer to as an angel.**** Surely God put her in my life for many purposes, but now today she is there for a very special purpose;  she is as tough as nails. Jamie, in her off-time from being a nurse at Markay Cancer Center in Lexington is a sawed of spiritual little 5’1″ drill sergeant. Jamie is a freak of nature. She is a single-parent of 2 kids in high school. She works a huge amount of hours every week while also spending her time in church as much as she can.   Bluntly speaking…she is a lot like God wants me to be. Unapologetic for her ways, and willing to listen while objectively giving greatly needed spiritual knowledge backed up with scripture. She gives no quarter, and will not allow you to wallow in self-pity. I have heard stories of how she came to know Christ, and how dark those days were for her. She was on her way to a full-ride promising education at a pristine university in our home town when she made a poor judgement decision that led her to her first child at 18. She had another just a few years later. She did not know Christ. She was lost. A lost soul looking for any answers, and trying to make ends meet. She put herself through school. She has done more in the last 15 years than I could have ever imagined possible. But she is humble. My sweet God in Heaven, is she humble. Everything good – came from God. Everything bad – will be fixed by God. Any issues – squash them, it “ain’t nothing to God.” When I started to tell her how I felt, she immediately started firing back at me with scriptures. For every excuse, or pitiful thing going on with me and in my life, she pointed to a prominant figure in the Bible, and how God would go on to use them. Jesus was kind to the sinner, and critical to the spiritually strong. And if I thought that I was the first one that has had issues with my spirituality, then boy was I sorely mistaken.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend

Proverbs 27:17

And I needed that “pep talk” today. I needed a spiritual kick in the pants. I snapped out of some of my funk immediately, and can feel a change in my sails. Who knew that the pint-sized dynamo would do it again? Well played God…I never saw that one coming. I almost felt that it was when i saw her asking how I was doing over a span of a few days and not getting an answer. She got the call from Christ that one of the flock wasn’t doing right, and was bucking the system. She responded as a true Christian, mother, friend and big sister would. She broke down my issues and told me to suck it up. Things are not, nor will they be perfect in this lifetime. My life is not all that I hoped that it would be right now, and that hurts. But with the grace of the Lord, and with the help of my loved ones and good friends, I will be ok. After all, we are not to try to get what we want here, but rather get what we desire in Heaven. It’s good to receive some help along the way there.

*If you have no pressure being a Christian, hats off to you. It is a full time job for me, with overtime and no holidays, and no bonuses. The retirement program is kinda nice though.

**Matthew 6:34

***Hopefully anyways…;)

****Thus the angel pic. She is NOT a photo taker, and at her request I did not include a picture of her.

Love will keep us alive

As I return to work this dreary morning after four wild and crazy days off with family at the homestead, I am reminded of just how old I am really getting.  This is not all bad, but in today’s case I feel like I may actually wake up long enough to just go right back to sleep, and to be honest i am welcoming it. The season was great; we had a great Sunday with our folks, and we also had a great birthday with my daughter the day after Christmas. My wife suckered me into after Christmas sales, and we spent way too much money on stuff that we will not be seeing a return on, but overall it was a decent time. I long for more time with my family, just as I long for more time with God and His scriptures. Although I ask for more of this to happen, I am usually left wanting, and I am in short supply of both. However, this season, not everything was rosy when it came to family, and a few times it got downright stressful. My wife and I bickered, and I had no real time to make it up to her as we were so busy. We missed Sunday Christmas service which wounded us deeply as we wanted so much to be there. We missed seeing some of the most important people due to scheduling conflict, plane flights, custody battles, and other things that were unforeseen at first.  Even with all the chaos of my normal life going on, and with the added frenzy of the holidays going on, there were no shortages of time that God allowed me to stop and see just what was happening before my eyes. It was time to shut up and listen to Him, and make things happen the way that they were supposed to and not the way that I wanted them to happen. Ultimately, I was shown many different things this holiday season, but above all else, I was shown what love really is, and how it can affect those nearest and dearest to you.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:14-16

God loves me. I know it, because He allows me to go through these funky phases where I mean well, but never follow through. I see them as they occur and I think to myself, ‘Wow…that was one of those moments that I should have made a better decision, but failed to do so.’ There are a handful of these incidents that happen on any given day. Reactions to callers at work, or family members on the phone. Dealings with my wife and child, or dealing with any number of disappointments that happen in a day that ends in ‘y.’ I have been shown favor in the eyes of my God, however, that He cares enough about me to continue to allow me to open my eyes and still have my breath. Strangely enough, I thank Him for this opportunity by continuing to spiral out of control. If my life was a car in the world full of grace that He displays to me, then it would be constantly in the shop for the gear being stuck  in neutral with the gas pedal pressed firmly to the floor. I am a failure to myself, as well as to my God and family many times daily, and weekly. The one thing that never changes is that I will continue to try and I will still love each of them unending. It is a rare gift, indeed, to experience a love for someone that is so great that you would do anything that they ask of you, no matter the cost. This is the nature of love that God displays to us.

I have chronically the similarities between parent and child, and God and man, but the similarities are alarming at times. He loves us even though we screw up. He loves without ceasing, and showers us with gifts. Being the father figure to the whole world, he just has to do this a whole bunch more than we do as fathers of our own children. This is not to be taken lightly, however. To be a full-fledged instrument of the Lord, means to love Him above all else, as He loves us above all else. We must crave a loving relationship with the creator that loved us so much that He sent His only son to the cross in our stead. To truly love someone, you have to be able to do a few basic things: 1) Love them all the time, and not just when it suits you. 2) Forgive them when they wrong you, as Jesus forgave even His persecutors. 3) Repeat the above 2 steps always and unconditionally. You see, to love someone fully you must be able to live with their faults. You must be able to see past their exterior and know their heart. God can do all these things. He constructed me and my heart, and He knows the inner plan that my heart has going on at the present, and past. We are constantly told through scripture to love those around us, but how many of us really live this out? I know for a fact that I don’t. i hold wrath most of the time when wronged, when I could as easily just forgive and pray about the solution that I would have likely made instead.  God calls us to a higher standard than anyone else as followers in His name. He can give His all to love us, why can we not give our all to love Him back? It is a fundamental disconnect with our maker that if we ever figure out will bless us richer than we could ever know.

So, here we have it. The fruit of the spirit calls us to love as He loved. So, to put it another way, what would you feel for me if I saved your life? I saw a bus careening down the street that you were crossing. You had your head down, listening to your iPod as you walked out into traffic, and did not hear it approaching. Deftly, I rip you from the jaws of certain death, and make you feel the warm sensation of a second chance at life. You would revere me. You would want to talk to me, and be around me. You would spend the rest of your existence trying to make that up to me. Even after I told you that all that I wanted from you was a relationship with you, that all I wanted was for you to listen, pay attention at all times, and help someone else that may not have the same chances as you – you would feel like it was not enough. How could it be? I risked certain death, and may have even died myself, just from a want to give you a second chance to wake and breathe the next day. Well, God did that and more. Except instead of just rescuing one of us, He rescued us all. Forever, and ever He has saved generation after generation of peoples on this planet, just because He wants to enjoy our company more than anything else. God is not a solitary God; He is a God for all the ages, and He can be everything and nothing all at the same time. He has saved us all through love and He wants us to give nothing more back to Him than a portion of our time, a portion of our money, and a portion of our love. He says though, that if we do this, above all things he will bring us out of the dark and into the light. What is love? God shows us and has shown us what that feeling really is time and time again. He allowed us to get up this morning, and He allows us the opportunity to go to bed tonight whether we have a relationship with Him or not. Love is an ocean, and we are all sinking in it. But the key is to let go, and allow yourself to be overcome with the waters so that we rest securely in His love always. Once we have that figured out, we will see truly how His love can keep us alive. Praise Him for allowing me to see His plan, even if it is difficult to wrap my head around. He is greater, and I am lesser. His love sustains me, and His grace is sufficient enough to make me follow through in life. Praise Him for giving me so many chances. Praise Him for His perfect love that never lets me go. Praise Him for allowing me to see this fruit of the spirit that I have so much of, but also the need to apply it to many more facets of my life as well. Above all, praise Him for going to the cross on my behalf to show me the ultimate example of love. Thank you Lord.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.1 John 3:16

Joy to the World, all the boys and girls.

In the last week, while trying to get things finished up for the holidays, I have noticed that there is something missing. Lord knows that what I am missing is not material, as we have presents, lights, and decorations. We have music, food, time with family coming, friendships forging, and other seasonal additions. But I have noticed that a lot of what is going on right now with me and my melancholy this year is an absence of joy. Now, I pride myself on being as Kris Kringle-like in my holidays as I can be, usually. I have recently watched Christmas movies with the family, and even fit in some hot cocoa here and there. But it seems as if I am “going through the motions” with most of what I have done this month. In the all important month of December, I have put the old car on cruise control, and I am now kicking back to let it steer where it may. And herein lies the issue; I can’t drive this car any better now than I could 3 months ago, 5 years ago, or 20 years ago. I am still the same little boy in need of things around the holiday, and when I see once again that my wishes for Christmas are not to be fulfilled, I pack it in and just wait it out. Sooner or later I will break free again. Sooner or later I will stop sulking and start enjoying what is right before me. But to be honest, that is not at the present. At the moment I feel more distant from my loved ones than ever. I lose precious time, and then try to double up and make things of less importance matter more. It is maddeningly frustrating at times, and does nothing to improve my mood. In short, I am robbed of my joy this season, and I am at a loss to get it back.

Let me start by saying that this is not a normal thing for me since accepting Christ as a part of my wholeness. I have seen that I have long strides behind me, and that makes me happy. I have also seen that I have huge strides still yet to be forged before me, and that leaves me confident. I have little worry that I am not making headway towards the Lord, and His promises. I do not think I have arrived yet, however. As such, my amount of joy on this Earth will ultimately be filled by one of two things: Worldly pleasure, or unworldly pleasure. Up until now, I freely admit that I have been powerless to write about a lot of my personal life as I truly feel like it would bore my readers to tears, but this week we are switching the gears of muse and trying it to see how it goes.* I have been deceived. I live with an apparent overbearing, ruthless perfectionist that constantly nags me and those around me. I have this monkey on my shoulder that has turned into a gorilla. This pile of sloth spouts forth foul thoughts and words, and makes it difficult to even be in the same house most of the time that I am home. This monster is Satan, and he is using me in ways that I do not appreciate, and that I have no weapons to defend against. He will not leave my home, as he feels that he has some right to dwell in my living room, and drink my Ale-8. He feels as if he has the ability to just turn things on and off in me like some big all-in-one remote control, and he freely does so at a whim. This has made this year miserable in many ways, but especially at my favorite time of the year. This year hurts at times due to the person that I am, and the person that I strive to be. They are all coming to a collision course that throws me into a mess of raw emotions, and makes me feel less than I am.

Okay, if you are not confused yet, let me take us down memory lane for a second. Happy carefree Mike gets into a relationship with the most complex, hardheaded, and beautiful female that he has ever met.** Nothing comes easy in the relationship, as he realizes shortly that she was hurt plenty in her past. In fact even though he had heard of people having hard lives to live due to divorce, he had never quite experienced anything quite like a 17 year old that he now was madly in love with. This woman would test his limits. She would make him feel the highest of highs, but also the lowest of lows. She would test his mettle. She would make him think that he was a prince, and could make him feel like a pauper. Now flash forward. The life that I have lived with this beautiful woman has made things no different today then they were 13 years ago when we re-met. She is still a fireball, and a bottle of nerves, and she still controls a greater portion of how I react and feel in my home. That being said, the part of our joy that we generally feel this time of year is absent. We seem to be butting heads more than laughing and enjoying time together. It is not just us, so much as it is a lack of time and a lack of communication due to not seeing each other. This Christmas season has been difficult to deal with, as we have had literally 20 days in a row with maybe only 2 or 3 day break. Even then, we are cooking, cleaning, making Christmas cards, or something. It is a madhouse at times! I feel like I live in an insane asylum from day to day. There is a screamer(4 yr old), a guy ripping his hair out(me), and a warden trying to keep us in line without beating us with the figurative billy club(my wife). The reason for the season, they say, is to enjoy yourself and smell the roses as these are the prime times of our life. These are the moments of joy. These are the moments that matter. Really? Man, I would hate to see what the ones that don’t matter look like! The reason I tell you all this is to let you know where I am placing my joy in this season, and how wrong I can deem it to be. Look, I am growing closer to God in my own ways, but I am afraid to give it all to Him. In doing so, I think He will allow my chaotic existence to continue much as it has to this point – spiraling out of my own control, and completely dependent upon other mortals for my pleasure and company. I think that God is a bit perturbed that it is taking me so long to fully embrace the truth that He is the only way, and until I do this, I will be making my own joy and not reveling in His.

In closing, I am glad that I am writing about the fruits of the spirit, as it is making me re-evaluate myself as a person, and also as a follower. God calls us to do a very simple thing – lead by His example and be God to those who have not met Him yet. Be His hands and feet. Be the light that leads out into the world to bring the joy of Christ back to those that have no idea what that joy is. But as I look at myself, I ask – ‘Do I truly know what that joy is?’ I bicker at home with my two women, and seemingly have never got myself together. How can I enjoy the fruit of joy if my tree is not bearing the fruit that it should be?*** I should be happiest now that I am a Christian, but instead I feel a bit downtrodden and also feel like I have a lot to work on. I have entered a step study at church to talk about my issues, and hopefully get the much needed relief that it brings those strong enough to get past their junk. I may not have this fruit of the spirit locked in as much as I need to, but truly look at yourselves – how many experience true joy day to day? How about monthly? Have you been joyful this whole year? It can be a source of constant struggle, and also a battle of wills. That battle of wills can be you and your children(better be tough or they will win), you and your spouse(Guys-give up…she will always win), you and Satan(NEVER give up – he cannot be allowed to win period), or you and your maker(See the wife comment, only know that she rolls up to this guy as well). I am planting tiny seeds within each of these battles of wills to let the people know that I have taken what they feel into consideration, and am going to ultimately make peace with them in one way or another. In my child’s case, I will see things from her standpoint, but also be that authority figure that she needs in her life. In Satan’s case, I have told him repeatedly but will keep telling him that he is no longer a welcome figure in my home, and that our relationship can be considered null and void. As far as my wife…bless her for having to put up with me…but I will let her know that I am waiting for the days that we grow old together, and hopefully she doesn’t want to see me out of her life long before that. She was worth waiting for, and I am too. And for my Lord and savior, I want Him to know that trepidation is a downfall of mine****, but that I am accepting Him still, slowly as it may be. My path of ascension may have curbed a bit, but it is only because I am at the “fat of the issue” at the moment and am having trouble shedding this garbage that I am waist deep in. I have let Him know, through prayer, that I need Him way more than He needs me but He has still not left yet. He will never leave me, until the day that I go to meet Him, and at that point I will never want for joy again. What is joy to you? Have you truly felt it when basking in the light of the Lord? This was a hard fruit for me to accept, but there is still much work to be done before the tiny seeds that I have planted become mighty trees built on a strong foundation. I welcome the adversity. It is all that stands in my way presently. Game on, God – I’m running as fast as I can!

Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:8-9

*Please don’t unsubscribe. Next week will be sunnier, I promise!

**Then later in life, marries her.

***Matthew 7:18

****It wasn’t before I was one of His children, however

All we need is just a little patience…

I have come to a conclusion in the last two weeks. That conclusion is that while God has done great, huge, miraculous things in my life and in his everlasting tenure as the sovereign leader of our pitiful little lives, he cannot make us do anything. Yet again, there is that whole free will. We are supposed to know what to do; we ask God to remove our character defects, and flaws and keep offering them up to God as often as possible. In the long run, we feel better for it as we are in prayer quite  a lot, and we also get rid of things that weigh us down and cling to our necks causing us to fail in our relationship with Him. But, seriously, let’s face it Christians…we fail at this more often than not. Why? God can’t make us do it. Oh, sure…He COULD make us do it, but He won’t. Either we choose to MAKE the right decision, or we wallow in the junk that occurs when we fail to do so. So, this week, I have decided that I have a new worst thing that I see emerging in my life, and that is my lack of patience  There we go. It is out in the field, and running free for all to see. I have preached patience to friends for 18+ months, and have talked about(at length even) how God has done so much to take away this lifelong issue that I have suffered with, but this week or maybe even the last two have shown me that I have a long, LONG way to go.

Imagine that you try daily to do something. It is hard, because you have tried doing the same thing day after day, year after year, but you seem to be banging your head against a wall. That is what I feel like with my lack of patience. At heart, even though I had no reason to feel privileged, I always was an arrogant, petulant little child, and that was even when going into college might I add. I knew I was no better than anyone else, but my mentality was as arrogant as the aura that surrounded me. I was a pain in the butt when I wanted to be, and only tolerable when I tried to be nice. My charm made me attractive to people, along with my sense of humor. It was only when people were around me for extended periods of time that they realized how big of a jerk I could be. Well…flash forward many, many years. The dinosaurs no longer roam the Earth, and automobiles were invented.* I now have had a successful “heart transplant” from my Almighty God, and He is changing me in many ways, even if I don’t always agree. How can I have free will, but also be receiving changes in ways that I am not comfortable with, you may ask? Well, every once in a while, I get it right and I do ask God to use His healing hands on my wrecked life in this world, and I get intervention from Him just like the Bible says will happen. Asking Him to take away character flaws, then knowing how I feel afterwards sometimes STILL makes me weary. I long, in my flesh, for the same old lifestyle that I just asked God to take away. He has said that this would happen, and that to follow Him would not be easy**, but we still resist when things don’t go our way. We are all just spoiled children if you think about it. So I wonder, how does God feel about us when we resist? Is He frustrated? Does He feel disappointment in us? If only there was a way to feel what He feels about us, but in a slightly different manner – i.e., that we cannot keep our cool under the pressure of it all.

But wait…there is. God saw fit to give me a pint-sized, 3 foot tall stick of dynamite that tests my patience daily. In fact, He saw with such great fore-thought, that He put this powder keg right under my nose and in my own house.

I am the proud poppa of a 4 year old. She is a bundle of joy, truly a gift from God. She is what makes my day start, and she is the end of my night on most occasions. I have cuddled her, swaddled her, dried away her tears, and never wanted for love since she was born. She makes our marriage complete. She makes our lives complete. She makes me a complete nervous wreck as well. She is just like any other kid, I suppose. She is pretty much a pain some of the time. No matter how I raise her, or discipline her, she throws fits when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t react too much differently when anyone else tells her to mind either. She has had her little butt busted quite a few times for back talking and just generally not listening to authority figures. In short, she is wonderful but at times makes me wanna climb a clock tower. When it all comes to a head, I lose my patience. Now granted, I never just take a bad mood out on her, but when she puts me in a bad mood it is hard not to get angry at the drop of a pin in my house. I have tried to just go to another room, but she follows. I have had my wife take her, but then she starts up the same with her. In short, this wonderful creation can make me want to grow hair on my bald head…just so I can tear it out by the roots.

But then it makes me wonder, what does God think about us? What does He think about me? How do I make Him feel with the dozens of bad and poor decisions that I make from day to day? How does He react when He sees my sins, and bad conclusions? How does He feel when it is time for me to get my butt busted for making Him angry. He reacts with love, and kindness. It is unbelievable with all the many similarities that we need to see between God and us, and us and our children that we often fail to miss this part. God loves us enough to lay it all on the lien for us. He gave Jesus to us and then had Him crucified for you and me. What do we do for our kids? Buy them junk to fill their rooms? When was the last time we filled their hearts? When was the last time we filled their minds. Are we feeding their souls with the nourishment needed to become the next strong front line of Christianity that will move us closer to the Kingdom? God has done so much for me, His creation; what am I doing for her? She deserves better than my wrath, anger, or lack of patience. I constantly try to remember that fact, and I fail at it like I do so many other things. God wants us to be good stewards of everything that He leaves in our possession; this could be our home, cars, and even includes our kids. I am going to try harder. I see that when you try to do things that God asks, and then pray about the things that you fail at, then He rewards your honesty. God never gives up on us, and as so, I will refuse to give up on her. My patience will grow as my relationship with my Father*** grows, but until then I will have to do all that I can to make her proud of me later, and Him proud of me now and forever. Amen to that.

If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

2 Corinthians 1:6

And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.

Galatians 6:9

*i.e. – I am an old fogey…sigh

** In this life you will have trouble – John 16:33

***The Almighty Father

A Prayer Experience: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I am in the middle of my favorite season. My season. It is cold outside, and the birds are all retreating to their beach homes down south. I have went all out putting up a tree, and hanging a ton of lights inside and out. Stockings are hung. The Christmas village is up. We have presents wrapped and put under the tree. I am making hot chocolate. I am singing Christmas carols, and watching Christmas movies. It is family time, and we are living in the midst of it. This is the time of year that I am happiest. I feel best this time of year, as I am around my family and friends enjoying sports, music, movies, and food. I am a perfect Christmas example for what is festive and bright around the holidays.

So why am I having such a hard time this year?

Oh, sure I am singing. I have put up the tree, and the lights and all that jazz. We have the most festive house on the road, with presents galore under our tree,* but there is a disconnect coming over the hill at me. It is heading at me like a slow motion train wreck. This is the second year that I have had Christmas as a Christian, but the first year that I have any struggles. I am not saying that last year a bunch of Christmas cheer let lose from the sky and landed in my yard, but this year feels different. I feel more responsible. I feel like I should place more emphasis on Him instead of the gifts and bows, ribbons, and tinsel. I feel like I ought to be more about God. But then again, how is that any different than any other day that ends in ‘y?’ I think that for once, I feel more like I ought to place attention back on God instead of Rudolph…Jesus instead of Santa…The Holy Spirit instead of Frosty. After all, without Jesus I would have no future, no present, or no past. Without Santa I would miss a few Christmas movies each year.** As I pondered this, I was mired in one of the longest funks that I had been in for quite some time. I was hit with news of bad sort from work, and also denied my Deacon application all around the same time as me standing on a ladder not once, but twice in pouring rain hanging and taking down before re-hanging lights on our house. In a nutshell: We are still getting laid off (maybe sooner than we expected), I am too young still in my walk of faith to seriously be considered for the Deacon spot, and my stupid Christmas lights had a short in them resulting in a 24 hour that they worked, and then went kaput! Needless to say, I needed something to raise my spirits, as well as my spirituality. But what, oh what could do that in my favorite season when I was trying to make my old ideas of the holidays mutually exclusive to what I wanted to make the new idea? Enter Calvary’s week long prayer experience…

See? That wasn’t so hard now, was it?

This has all happened before, and it will happen again.*** I get down on myself, and start to question a lot about myself. Then I am overflowed by grace at some time, and in some measure by the big guy upstairs, and then I am rejuvenated. The first day that the prayer station was set up was hard. I got into a fight with my child, and my spouse. I was having issues getting stuff set up for Christmas. I received a call to let me know that I was too young in my walk with the Lord to be seriously considered yet for the Deacon spot. I was despondent. I was very upset, and border-lining on crying. When I got in the prayer experience, the first thing that I did was head to the stage where we had a prayer station set up. The stage was empty, and there was nothing there on purpose. This was a void. We were supposed to come here to kneel and pray before the empty stage, as that would then make us think about that which we need God for most. There was a prayer closet set up with glow in the dark pens that we could write prayer requests on the wall with. There was a station that really caught my eye, however, and it was a traditional Christmas tree put up in front of a fireplace with presents under the tree and a cozy sitting spot. Around the fireplace were pictures of starving kids from other countries. I had JUST put up all of the lights and the tree at my house, and while I think it is modest, it really is likely more than the average person. I justified to myself that I did not go out and spend a ton of money on the stuff we use to decorate; we have it already and try not to go splurge each year. We have only gotten stuff for Ashleigh, but she has excess before we buy her more. This convicted me. I felt bad immediately. I was fortunate that even though i signed up for a 30 minute time slot, they allowed us to stay as long as we wanted to. I needed it. I was a mess by the time i left, but this still didn’t put me in the right mindset. Luckily for me, i had a few more days at the experience, and they helped turn this week around fully.

Redemption. That was how my week ended.  I was vindicated by the Almighty. I was sitting at the desk at our church helping monitor the prayer experience, when suddenly one of our prayer warriors came out of the doors. She had her husband with her. She is, by all definitions a warrior in prayer, and I just thought that her charging HER batteries would be a sight to see. That would be hard to imagine. It would be like giving Michael Jordan a few extra minutes rest before the fourth quarter. It would be like giving a general more troops to command. In a sense of the word, here is a Godly woman coming into my presence after she has gotten the opportunity to commune with the Lord for an undetermined amount of time. She asked if she could anoint my hands. She then used scented oil to do so and she prayed over me. I felt great. Refreshed. I was singing and typing away before I spoke to one of my best friends in the world, also a devout Christian. The conversation we shared will be the topic for my next blog, but suffice to say that we spoke for nearly 3 hours and killed my phone twice. It was all conversation about God and what He has done for us. Our interrpretations of the Word, and why it was written. His love poured out for us, and the real reason we worship this holiday so much.

I have had to re-prioritize this Christmas season. It is what has been making me feel so down. It is why I didn’t feel as good as usual when I get the lights and tree out, and sing the Christmas carols. It is why the biggest glow I get is seeing my kid’s face when she is around the tree, or the lights, and not my own. God is everywhere and all things to us, but we have not treated Him as such. We are still all about the material, when we should be about the love. I have taken great pains to see my family as much as is humanly possible this month, and will continue to do so. Not to run my batteries down again, but to connect and form that relationship. Jesus wants us to honor Him all year around, and not just the holiday season that bears His name.  Now I have had to make this time of year more about Him. It is just one small step closer to getting in the right relationship with the right person. Joy to the World…the Lord has come. Amen.

“6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 7 And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn” (Luke 2:6-7).

*All these gifts are for Ashleigh

**I would just watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas 3-5 more times than I do anyways…:P

***Cheap Battlestar Galactica reference…:D

Fire and Rain

“I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny day that I thought would never end.” These words start out a favorite song of mine, but I listened to it for years without putting two and two together. This could be imagery on a scale that I had previously never seen, or attempted, but here goes. I just never was a follower of Christ when i listed to it before. Let me unpack this a bit more: I had a really bad week last week. In fact, as the absence of my posting should show, I have had a bad few months. I have been busy with birthday parties and the cleanup that occurs both before and after you have 20 people in your home. I have painted a kid’s room, and added all of the decor that we could find that matched her theme for it. I have spent more time doing less Kingdom work in the past 6-8 weeks then I have done in the entire time since my baptism June of 2010. Oh, I am still needed at church, and I attend. I am even there for both services most of the time. I still manage communion when called, and have even been asked recently to fill out information leading up to a position for acceptance of being a Deacon in our congregation. I have attended meetings, and also missed meetings. I have been sick, and have managed a sick child. I have been present in God’s word, but also have been distant. What I am saying, is that I have been listless. As if I was a ship on the ocean with no navigator, careening this way and that, with no real hope of finding the way that I was supposed to be heading. I have become complacent. My complacency has cost me time at church, time with friends, time with family, and time at work. It is the “busy season” around my house, and yet I have been busy enough to keep me from my beliefs, but not too busy to sleep, or eat, or watch a football game here or there. In short, unfortunately over the last few weeks I have come to the sad realization that I am in fact a “fair weather Christian” at times. This, by my own definition, would be a Christian that holds Christ dear to His or Her heart, but whose actions do not match those feelings. This is the Christian that would tell you what their favorite scripture means to them, and how they felt when they were baptized, but then cuss and be wrathful. Or show lust, or envy. The fair weather variety would show up to help at any cost, but are they doing it for the right reasons at heart? The need to be good is in no way equal to the need to emulate Jesus. This is a fundamental flaw that eats up a good portion of the Christians in our landscape. Things are easy for us, and as such we seem to like Jesus more than want to be Him. It is something that really hit me in service yesterday, and I felt the need to speak about it. It made me open back up my blog, so that in itself means that God made an impact on me yesterday. An impact is a great way to start; now it is up to me to make a decision and do the right thing about telling it to my readers.

“I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, But I always thought that I’d see you again” This is the next verse in the song that I mentioned earlier, and this is exactly where I want to go to next. I have many friends. many people text, call, or Facebook me to ask how I am. Many people think about me. But yet, I have felt alone lately. The reason, I believe, is that I have had no friendship with Jesus. I have not had the ability to text, or call Him, and as such have been too busy for Him. I have not prayed like I should. I have not been the hands and feet to the world that He calls me to be as a brother in Christ. I have done many things that as my big brother, He would not approve of, yet I still know that His blood covers my sin, and if I just ask He will forgive. There is no stain to great, right? This is not something to take lightly – and yesterday called me out on it. I was in service, and it felt like the Holy Spirit smacked me in the face. I was already paying attention, but I had a brief moment where no one was in the building. It was just my pastor and myself sitting there, and He was speaking through Brian. This was a wake up call, as I had not felt like that at a church service in some time. A friend of mine and I once said that we believe that in a service, if everyone was to write out what they felt the message was for the week, that most everyone would have the same thing on paper. But we also said that most people would write what they heard as it pertains to their own lives, and thus it would be different. Yesterday, it felt as if I was being convicted. I felt alive again for a brief moment as God may have felt the need to give me more insight to just how far away from the path I was walking. The message was not pleasant, but then again, not all messages are meant to be. Sometimes we need to be reminded about mortality, and about the coming of Christ. What I am referring to, is the end times. The time when Heaven will open and the Earth will decay and rot away. When angels will battle the darkness of this land and proclaim Him as Lord, and show us His return to this Earth. He will judge those as worthy to come home, and the rest will be left to eternal damnation. If this worries you, do not fret; it worries me as well. This is the issue that I have. The right answer ought to be, Jesus is coming – and I am ready to be taken to my room in Heaven. But how many of us really feel that way?

“Won’t you look down on me, Jesus? You’ve got to help me make a stand. You’ve just got to see me through another day My body’s aching and my time is at hand, And I won’t make it any other way.”  This is my favorite lyric from this James Taylor song. It forces me to think about the end. Revelations was the book that we talked about yesterday, and it is a scary book to digest. As a Christian, we ought to be thrilled that we get to the end. This world is so broken, and we ought to be happy that we have overcome it. I ought to be overjoyed to speak of our end times, but it seems so far away. But yet, the sense of urgency that I feel when we speak about it sends a chill down my spine. Am I being like Christ? Would he be happy with my last 24 hours? 48? How about my last week? How about my body of work since I knew better, and started to do what was incorrect. Don’t get me wrong, we are not judged on our deeds while here on Earth, and I know that. Christ is not going to look at what I did wrong and deny my admittance to Heaven. Although, on the other side of that – He will not look at my good deeds and admit me based on that fact either. He said that our deeds are not what he judges in Isiah 64:6.

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Does this mean that Jesus will not judge the deeds that we do on this Earth at all, however? No. That isn’t accurate either. God would like for us to always do good deeds, and give shelter to the poor, and food to the hungry. After all, that is what Jesus did. But when the end times come, we ought to not be falling to our knees to ask for forgiveness, or try to “buy our way into Heaven” based off of just good deeds. This verse alone will tell you that this would be impossible. God calls us to be more than just stewards of His scriptures, children, and world. He demands a relationship with us as well. For it is in that relationship alone that we can find the path through the narrow gate* and get into the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus said in the end times, many people will seek Him, and many will be denied for their lack of a relationship with Him as well. In Matthew 7:23-24, Jesus says,

Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

“Thought I’d see you one more time again…”  That ought to light a fire under even the most righteous Christian man or woman. Jesus gave His life willingly. He gave His life so that sin would not infect us. So that God would not have to systematically kill us all because of our flesh. God cannot bear sin, yet in this world, it is all that He sees. We are lucky and privileged to have this life under God, and through Jesus Christ. Without Christ’s sacrifice, we would all have surely perished a long time ago. We are not promised tomorrow.** And when He comes back, we all ought to react accordingly. We want Heaven! Not more time on this broken world. We must use every moment from this day until then preparing for the return of our Lord, Savior, and King of Kings who has come to collect us as Groom collects his bride. We are His brothers and sisters in the inheritance of the afterlife, now why can we not live like it? I’ve seen fire(the bad days of my life), and I’ve seen rain(the after effects of my decisions when I have to rectify what I have done). I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end(the good decisions I make and the strength that I draw from the Lord).  I’ve seen lonely days when I could not find a friend(not finding my place with God as a result of myself). But I always thought that I would see you again(taking my place among Christ in Heaven). This song has been interpreted by me, and in no way should you just take my interpretation as the true meaning of the song. But to me, it has a deep meaning when I think about it, as it gives me peace. Christ has promised to do that when he descends upon Earth. Jesus tells us many times in Revelations that He is coming soon!*** We must not take a moment of our time here for granted. We need to emulate Him, and want to grow up to be just like Him. A lamb, pure and white that will be shown the way. Never forget that the way to Heaven is Christ, and all of us will have to go through Him to get to the Almighty God’s house.**** We all need to gain the most out of our relationship with God, but especially if you wish to live your life with a sense of purpose. A sense of urgency. A sense of the Kingdom. For in the end, all of this will blow away like dust, and all that we will be left with is this choice that we either made, or chose not to make. What will you choose?

Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city.

Revelations 22:14

*Matthew 7:14

**Matthew 6:34

***Revelations 22:7, among other places.

****John 14:6

Coming Home

In my experience, not many things can hurt like having someone shut you out. You try to talk to them but it ends up that you are ignored. You want worse than anything to see, and be seen by them. You try so diligently to be seen or heard. It makes your heart tremble, and makes those around you aware of how badly you are effected by it. This week, I tried to help a friend. I was not sure how it would go, but then again I never know how God does things: he simply does them. I ministered to this person for hours on end. I told my wife about how I had ministered to her, and about how she was asking the proper questions of me and I was spoon-feeding the proper answers. I nourished her through the spirit, and hoped for the best. Afterwards, I felt good all day. I felt like I had really reached someone. I was not shocked, but at the same time not initially pleased to see that I was brushed off the day afterwards, but I chocked it up to just perhaps giving her too much to think about. At first I felt a bit upset, like maybe I had messed something up. The fact that I am also close to this person, and have known them for years probably made that stick out to me a bit worse. It was NOT my place to feel this way though, as I quickly understood. How many times does my pastor try to reach people to only have a figurative door slammed in his face? How many times more would he still approach those same people? How many times was Jesus cast aside? In fact, Jesus died for people that listened to Him, people that didn’t listen to Him, and even people who would deny Him. It was not my place to feel slighted by this, so I quickly changed that tune. To me, after the tumultuous week that I was enduring where I bared my soul at Celebrate Recovery, and faltered in my service on the Sunday* before, this was a refreshing challenge. It was one that I feel like I came out of ahead, as to understand that this was more the “will of God” that I could even reach someone in His honor. To truly be ever “coming home,” will mean that I give more of myself than I plan on ever receiving back. This was explained to me best through scripture:

For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints.

Hebrews 6:10

I have also learned that seeing old faces can warm your heart, but seeing a lack of the faces that you cared to see the most hurt worse than could be imagined. I had a reunion this past weekend, and if you were there and are reading this, do not fret. I was happy to see you. I would not have made it priority to show up if not the case. The thing was, I have 2 very old friends. They were the first 2 faces that I remember seeing as a youth, and I love them very much. Both made a huge impact on my youth, and also on my path to get where I was during High School, and up until today. Neither were at the reunion, and it was okay without them, but I missed them greatly. It made the evening seem to drag a bit, however, as there were no people that I had to come see. Since the two of them were not coming, I just simply came to have fun. Which, it was interesting to say the least. To see how some people had changed was amazing. To see how some people stayed the same was as well. I walked by a memorandum of the friends that we had lost. There, I saw another old set of faces. They were also 2 very good friends of mine that had been lost to us. One was lost just last year to cancer, while one was lost many years ago. To say that it didn’t strike a sudden feeling of remorse would be such a lie that I cannot bring it to my lips. I missed my friend that we lost in the last year badly**. He was on my middle school team in basketball; We played on the Stars. He was one of the first people that I remember speaking to in High School. He was very down-to-Earth, and real. The other friend was a brother to me***. He was the first person that witnessed to me about faith in Christ. He was killed in a car accident while I was still in High School. He always knew what to do, and when to do it. I miss him daily. Both of these gentlemen were the life of the party. Not because they drank it up, or got wild when around everyone else, but because they were just the most awesome people to be around. They were the kind of people that command attention when they walked in the room. That was the type of guys that they were, and that is why they are so missed. They were giants. Both of them have went to see the Almighty, and have been placed in the house that I wish and hope to see someday. When I am “coming home,” I hope to see them both waving to me as I come through the gates of Heaven as well. 

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

2 Corinthians 5:1

Lastly, these last days have been as bittersweet as any has ever been to me. I have lost my baby cat, Pepper to her battle with feline diabetes. She is “just an animal,” but to us she is a major part of our family and part of what makes it whole. She has been doing poor in health now for the better portion of a year. Unfortunately, this past weekend, she quit eating and drinking. It became impossible to give her the medicine anymore, as when not balanced out with food and water, it could also prove to be fatal. She just laid around all of Friday. I knew she was feeling bad, but no where near as bad as it would be by Sunday’s end. She just layed around, eyes open, not moving. She will be missed greatly, and I will never replace her in my heart. I am choked up as I write this passage to let others know how I feel. It pained me to come home from break to say goodbye to her, only to see her expire as I walked in. It was incredibly difficult to dig a 3 foot deep hole that was a foot wide, and 2 feet long to put her in. It was hard to do a lot of things at the end, but this is the point of it all: She was my baby. It was hard. It was just hard to let her go. I already missed her more as I sat down after placing rocks over her where she now lays in the ground. In the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t want her brought home. We had lost a kitten already,  and here my wife comes with a different litle one less than 2 years later. I didn’t want any more attachments, and Andrea knew that. But, then there was this little ball of grey fur licking my head like I was another kitten at 2 am the first night as she snuggled over my head. I loved her from that moment on. She was more than a pet, and more than a companion: She was family. We told Ashleigh, our 4 year old daughter that Jesus was coming to take the kitty away to His house. Hopefully she understands, but in the meantime she wonders why Mommy and Daddy cry just out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Even though this is a painful week, I rest in the word that Pepper cat is also “coming home.” I know that if that is the case, then my sadness will be erased when I ultimately see her again.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Luke 12:6

This has been a excruciating week in three facets. I am mentally tired, physically exhausted, and spiritually drained. This week has taught me that you can only do so much while here on Earth, and that you need to make as much of an impact on those around you as is possible. I have learned that it is okay to mourn those that you miss, and share that mourning with others. It is natural to feel remorse over your past items, and the way that people have affected you. I have also learned, again, that you cannot “fix” other people. That is not what I was put on this Earth to do. I was put here to be a servant. The same as our Lord and Savior was. I have been opened up to so many different things this week, and most of them have brought me pain. God never said it would be easy to live this life. Whether in sin, or finding righteousness, we all cry out in pain. For some, the pain lies on the surface and is easily view-able. For others, that pain is buried away. It is up to each of us to try our best to do what we can with what God has given us. My journey is still a work in progress, and weeks like this one challenge my faith. Happily, I can say that I came out of this one unscathed, and that my strength still lies in the Lord. When I am gone, and others mourn me, I just hope that I have made the impact that it is in me to make. Then when I am “coming home,” I will know that Jesus will be waiting there for me. Waiting to reunite me with my friends, and family. Even the four-legged ones.

*I missed church Sunday as I was exhausted from the reunion, and the drive to and from it.

**Todd was a great friend of mine who recently was overcome with cancer. Excellent man and husband. Wonderful father.

***Nick was a guy that you wanted your daughter to marry. He was a Christian, and a brother. I lost him in high school, way before he should have ever gone. God needed an angel for something very special, and Nick was the only one who could fill those shoes.