Joy to the World, all the boys and girls.

In the last week, while trying to get things finished up for the holidays, I have noticed that there is something missing. Lord knows that what I am missing is not material, as we have presents, lights, and decorations. We have music, food, time with family coming, friendships forging, and other seasonal additions. But I have noticed that a lot of what is going on right now with me and my melancholy this year is an absence of joy. Now, I pride myself on being as Kris Kringle-like in my holidays as I can be, usually. I have recently watched Christmas movies with the family, and even fit in some hot cocoa here and there. But it seems as if I am “going through the motions” with most of what I have done this month. In the all important month of December, I have put the old car on cruise control, and I am now kicking back to let it steer where it may. And herein lies the issue; I can’t drive this car any better now than I could 3 months ago, 5 years ago, or 20 years ago. I am still the same little boy in need of things around the holiday, and when I see once again that my wishes for Christmas are not to be fulfilled, I pack it in and just wait it out. Sooner or later I will break free again. Sooner or later I will stop sulking and start enjoying what is right before me. But to be honest, that is not at the present. At the moment I feel more distant from my loved ones than ever. I lose precious time, and then try to double up and make things of less importance matter more. It is maddeningly frustrating at times, and does nothing to improve my mood. In short, I am robbed of my joy this season, and I am at a loss to get it back.

Let me start by saying that this is not a normal thing for me since accepting Christ as a part of my wholeness. I have seen that I have long strides behind me, and that makes me happy. I have also seen that I have huge strides still yet to be forged before me, and that leaves me confident. I have little worry that I am not making headway towards the Lord, and His promises. I do not think I have arrived yet, however. As such, my amount of joy on this Earth will ultimately be filled by one of two things: Worldly pleasure, or unworldly pleasure. Up until now, I freely admit that I have been powerless to write about a lot of my personal life as I truly feel like it would bore my readers to tears, but this week we are switching the gears of muse and trying it to see how it goes.* I have been deceived. I live with an apparent overbearing, ruthless perfectionist that constantly nags me and those around me. I have this monkey on my shoulder that has turned into a gorilla. This pile of sloth spouts forth foul thoughts and words, and makes it difficult to even be in the same house most of the time that I am home. This monster is Satan, and he is using me in ways that I do not appreciate, and that I have no weapons to defend against. He will not leave my home, as he feels that he has some right to dwell in my living room, and drink my Ale-8. He feels as if he has the ability to just turn things on and off in me like some big all-in-one remote control, and he freely does so at a whim. This has made this year miserable in many ways, but especially at my favorite time of the year. This year hurts at times due to the person that I am, and the person that I strive to be. They are all coming to a collision course that throws me into a mess of raw emotions, and makes me feel less than I am.

Okay, if you are not confused yet, let me take us down memory lane for a second. Happy carefree Mike gets into a relationship with the most complex, hardheaded, and beautiful female that he has ever met.** Nothing comes easy in the relationship, as he realizes shortly that she was hurt plenty in her past. In fact even though he had heard of people having hard lives to live due to divorce, he had never quite experienced anything quite like a 17 year old that he now was madly in love with. This woman would test his limits. She would make him feel the highest of highs, but also the lowest of lows. She would test his mettle. She would make him think that he was a prince, and could make him feel like a pauper. Now flash forward. The life that I have lived with this beautiful woman has made things no different today then they were 13 years ago when we re-met. She is still a fireball, and a bottle of nerves, and she still controls a greater portion of how I react and feel in my home. That being said, the part of our joy that we generally feel this time of year is absent. We seem to be butting heads more than laughing and enjoying time together. It is not just us, so much as it is a lack of time and a lack of communication due to not seeing each other. This Christmas season has been difficult to deal with, as we have had literally 20 days in a row with maybe only 2 or 3 day break. Even then, we are cooking, cleaning, making Christmas cards, or something. It is a madhouse at times! I feel like I live in an insane asylum from day to day. There is a screamer(4 yr old), a guy ripping his hair out(me), and a warden trying to keep us in line without beating us with the figurative billy club(my wife). The reason for the season, they say, is to enjoy yourself and smell the roses as these are the prime times of our life. These are the moments of joy. These are the moments that matter. Really? Man, I would hate to see what the ones that don’t matter look like! The reason I tell you all this is to let you know where I am placing my joy in this season, and how wrong I can deem it to be. Look, I am growing closer to God in my own ways, but I am afraid to give it all to Him. In doing so, I think He will allow my chaotic existence to continue much as it has to this point – spiraling out of my own control, and completely dependent upon other mortals for my pleasure and company. I think that God is a bit perturbed that it is taking me so long to fully embrace the truth that He is the only way, and until I do this, I will be making my own joy and not reveling in His.

In closing, I am glad that I am writing about the fruits of the spirit, as it is making me re-evaluate myself as a person, and also as a follower. God calls us to do a very simple thing – lead by His example and be God to those who have not met Him yet. Be His hands and feet. Be the light that leads out into the world to bring the joy of Christ back to those that have no idea what that joy is. But as I look at myself, I ask – ‘Do I truly know what that joy is?’ I bicker at home with my two women, and seemingly have never got myself together. How can I enjoy the fruit of joy if my tree is not bearing the fruit that it should be?*** I should be happiest now that I am a Christian, but instead I feel a bit downtrodden and also feel like I have a lot to work on. I have entered a step study at church to talk about my issues, and hopefully get the much needed relief that it brings those strong enough to get past their junk. I may not have this fruit of the spirit locked in as much as I need to, but truly look at yourselves – how many experience true joy day to day? How about monthly? Have you been joyful this whole year? It can be a source of constant struggle, and also a battle of wills. That battle of wills can be you and your children(better be tough or they will win), you and your spouse(Guys-give up…she will always win), you and Satan(NEVER give up – he cannot be allowed to win period), or you and your maker(See the wife comment, only know that she rolls up to this guy as well). I am planting tiny seeds within each of these battles of wills to let the people know that I have taken what they feel into consideration, and am going to ultimately make peace with them in one way or another. In my child’s case, I will see things from her standpoint, but also be that authority figure that she needs in her life. In Satan’s case, I have told him repeatedly but will keep telling him that he is no longer a welcome figure in my home, and that our relationship can be considered null and void. As far as my wife…bless her for having to put up with me…but I will let her know that I am waiting for the days that we grow old together, and hopefully she doesn’t want to see me out of her life long before that. She was worth waiting for, and I am too. And for my Lord and savior, I want Him to know that trepidation is a downfall of mine****, but that I am accepting Him still, slowly as it may be. My path of ascension may have curbed a bit, but it is only because I am at the “fat of the issue” at the moment and am having trouble shedding this garbage that I am waist deep in. I have let Him know, through prayer, that I need Him way more than He needs me but He has still not left yet. He will never leave me, until the day that I go to meet Him, and at that point I will never want for joy again. What is joy to you? Have you truly felt it when basking in the light of the Lord? This was a hard fruit for me to accept, but there is still much work to be done before the tiny seeds that I have planted become mighty trees built on a strong foundation. I welcome the adversity. It is all that stands in my way presently. Game on, God – I’m running as fast as I can!

Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:8-9

*Please don’t unsubscribe. Next week will be sunnier, I promise!

**Then later in life, marries her.

***Matthew 7:18

****It wasn’t before I was one of His children, however