Coming Home

In my experience, not many things can hurt like having someone shut you out. You try to talk to them but it ends up that you are ignored. You want worse than anything to see, and be seen by them. You try so diligently to be seen or heard. It makes your heart tremble, and makes those around you aware of how badly you are effected by it. This week, I tried to help a friend. I was not sure how it would go, but then again I never know how God does things: he simply does them. I ministered to this person for hours on end. I told my wife about how I had ministered to her, and about how she was asking the proper questions of me and I was spoon-feeding the proper answers. I nourished her through the spirit, and hoped for the best. Afterwards, I felt good all day. I felt like I had really reached someone. I was not shocked, but at the same time not initially pleased to see that I was brushed off the day afterwards, but I chocked it up to just perhaps giving her too much to think about. At first I felt a bit upset, like maybe I had messed something up. The fact that I am also close to this person, and have known them for years probably made that stick out to me a bit worse. It was NOT my place to feel this way though, as I quickly understood. How many times does my pastor try to reach people to only have a figurative door slammed in his face? How many times more would he still approach those same people? How many times was Jesus cast aside? In fact, Jesus died for people that listened to Him, people that didn’t listen to Him, and even people who would deny Him. It was not my place to feel slighted by this, so I quickly changed that tune. To me, after the tumultuous week that I was enduring where I bared my soul at Celebrate Recovery, and faltered in my service on the Sunday* before, this was a refreshing challenge. It was one that I feel like I came out of ahead, as to understand that this was more the “will of God” that I could even reach someone in His honor. To truly be ever “coming home,” will mean that I give more of myself than I plan on ever receiving back. This was explained to me best through scripture:

For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints.

Hebrews 6:10

I have also learned that seeing old faces can warm your heart, but seeing a lack of the faces that you cared to see the most hurt worse than could be imagined. I had a reunion this past weekend, and if you were there and are reading this, do not fret. I was happy to see you. I would not have made it priority to show up if not the case. The thing was, I have 2 very old friends. They were the first 2 faces that I remember seeing as a youth, and I love them very much. Both made a huge impact on my youth, and also on my path to get where I was during High School, and up until today. Neither were at the reunion, and it was okay without them, but I missed them greatly. It made the evening seem to drag a bit, however, as there were no people that I had to come see. Since the two of them were not coming, I just simply came to have fun. Which, it was interesting to say the least. To see how some people had changed was amazing. To see how some people stayed the same was as well. I walked by a memorandum of the friends that we had lost. There, I saw another old set of faces. They were also 2 very good friends of mine that had been lost to us. One was lost just last year to cancer, while one was lost many years ago. To say that it didn’t strike a sudden feeling of remorse would be such a lie that I cannot bring it to my lips. I missed my friend that we lost in the last year badly**. He was on my middle school team in basketball; We played on the Stars. He was one of the first people that I remember speaking to in High School. He was very down-to-Earth, and real. The other friend was a brother to me***. He was the first person that witnessed to me about faith in Christ. He was killed in a car accident while I was still in High School. He always knew what to do, and when to do it. I miss him daily. Both of these gentlemen were the life of the party. Not because they drank it up, or got wild when around everyone else, but because they were just the most awesome people to be around. They were the kind of people that command attention when they walked in the room. That was the type of guys that they were, and that is why they are so missed. They were giants. Both of them have went to see the Almighty, and have been placed in the house that I wish and hope to see someday. When I am “coming home,” I hope to see them both waving to me as I come through the gates of Heaven as well. 

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

2 Corinthians 5:1

Lastly, these last days have been as bittersweet as any has ever been to me. I have lost my baby cat, Pepper to her battle with feline diabetes. She is “just an animal,” but to us she is a major part of our family and part of what makes it whole. She has been doing poor in health now for the better portion of a year. Unfortunately, this past weekend, she quit eating and drinking. It became impossible to give her the medicine anymore, as when not balanced out with food and water, it could also prove to be fatal. She just laid around all of Friday. I knew she was feeling bad, but no where near as bad as it would be by Sunday’s end. She just layed around, eyes open, not moving. She will be missed greatly, and I will never replace her in my heart. I am choked up as I write this passage to let others know how I feel. It pained me to come home from break to say goodbye to her, only to see her expire as I walked in. It was incredibly difficult to dig a 3 foot deep hole that was a foot wide, and 2 feet long to put her in. It was hard to do a lot of things at the end, but this is the point of it all: She was my baby. It was hard. It was just hard to let her go. I already missed her more as I sat down after placing rocks over her where she now lays in the ground. In the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t want her brought home. We had lost a kitten already,  and here my wife comes with a different litle one less than 2 years later. I didn’t want any more attachments, and Andrea knew that. But, then there was this little ball of grey fur licking my head like I was another kitten at 2 am the first night as she snuggled over my head. I loved her from that moment on. She was more than a pet, and more than a companion: She was family. We told Ashleigh, our 4 year old daughter that Jesus was coming to take the kitty away to His house. Hopefully she understands, but in the meantime she wonders why Mommy and Daddy cry just out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Even though this is a painful week, I rest in the word that Pepper cat is also “coming home.” I know that if that is the case, then my sadness will be erased when I ultimately see her again.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Luke 12:6

This has been a excruciating week in three facets. I am mentally tired, physically exhausted, and spiritually drained. This week has taught me that you can only do so much while here on Earth, and that you need to make as much of an impact on those around you as is possible. I have learned that it is okay to mourn those that you miss, and share that mourning with others. It is natural to feel remorse over your past items, and the way that people have affected you. I have also learned, again, that you cannot “fix” other people. That is not what I was put on this Earth to do. I was put here to be a servant. The same as our Lord and Savior was. I have been opened up to so many different things this week, and most of them have brought me pain. God never said it would be easy to live this life. Whether in sin, or finding righteousness, we all cry out in pain. For some, the pain lies on the surface and is easily view-able. For others, that pain is buried away. It is up to each of us to try our best to do what we can with what God has given us. My journey is still a work in progress, and weeks like this one challenge my faith. Happily, I can say that I came out of this one unscathed, and that my strength still lies in the Lord. When I am gone, and others mourn me, I just hope that I have made the impact that it is in me to make. Then when I am “coming home,” I will know that Jesus will be waiting there for me. Waiting to reunite me with my friends, and family. Even the four-legged ones.

*I missed church Sunday as I was exhausted from the reunion, and the drive to and from it.

**Todd was a great friend of mine who recently was overcome with cancer. Excellent man and husband. Wonderful father.

***Nick was a guy that you wanted your daughter to marry. He was a Christian, and a brother. I lost him in high school, way before he should have ever gone. God needed an angel for something very special, and Nick was the only one who could fill those shoes.