Listen to your heart: What about love?

For anyone that has been reading these entries from me for the last few months, and compiling over 20 posts, you know that I almost always start out with a song title, then I proceed to fit a nice neat package together of what I can feel when I hear it if there was no context, but I only had to apply it to God and my walk with Him. I have a nice piece where I get down on myself, and talk about how only with His grace can I figure out what glaring issues in my life need repaired. It is usually upbeat by the end, and I have this feeling of accomplishment that under all the pressure of being a Christian* and with all the self-doubt, worthlessness, and power against me, I somehow come out better than I was. I have a habit of being sickeningly over-confident in my abilities when I have God on my side. I tend to step in where I would have once been very cautious. It is a great thing for one to have the confidence that God is his personal protector. It gives you strength beyond anyone that tried before you. It is one of the reasons I started this blog. I said, “God…if I can help one person…just ONE person, let me do it through my words.” Then I wrote my first blog, ‘Words with Christians,’ and this took off. And that day, I think I had more traffic on this site then ever before. I also think that I can schedule as many church related activities as possible, and do as many things outside of church for His glory as is humanly possible. Bottom line – when I have God first, back off, because you ain’t gonna get one by me. With that being said, this has been a hard last few months, and this post may not be the same structured upbeat version that you would always see from me. I have had a number of people come out of the woodwork to ask me what is wrong lately, and I have decided to give you a glimpse of what is wrong with me in this part of my present life. Why is it that a spiritual warrior, a man who couldn’t leap any higher towards God when he started this new found journey, and who constantly strives to beat the odds at every turn in His name is so melancholy and down? It is due partly to self-doubt, and partly to an unprovoked attack from the enemy lying in wait for me when I leave my house in the morning. It is a lesson to others that if an up and coming Christian can fall to Satan, then he can take anyone that he desires while on this realm and at any time. It is up to you to get a firm hold of your faith with God and hold on with eyes closed in the eye of the storm. If you waiver at all, then you will end up how I have these last few weeks to months.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Psalms 138:8

Get your tissues ready. The sobbing could or could not hit depending on where you are presently in your walk with God.

This last few weeks have been hard. The holidays are a fun filled time as I have blogged about recently, but things are different than they used to be. Now that we have a 4 year old, there are lots of gifts, lots of wrapping, lots of food to prepare, lots of decorations, and lots of travel. There are multiple events, and church commitments, to go along with work and pre-school. There is about 29 hours of stuff to fit into any given day when you also consider the every day stuff that we have also, such as meals, baths, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and everything else. Never mind that I can’t find enough time to regularly study my Bible, let alone during this struggle of a season. I find myself trying to “fit God in when I can.” Or “I can get to Him later when I have some more time.” This is some dangerous thought processes to have as the Bible clearly states that we are not promised tomorrow.** But here I was also starting to get down in my relationships: my relationship with my wife and child, and my relationship with God. Now, let me tell you as a reader, whether you know me or not, I get down on myself very easily. I have a very low self-esteem from multiple events in my youth and adult life. I am a very jolly person, but when I start to get upset I quickly pile on until I am buried under a mountain of issues. Also, I have come to the realization that I am depressed. A lot of the time, too. It is conditioning I suppose, that when I start to see things going bad, I tuck my tail and head for the hills. I have always ran. I am a genetic runner it seems. But since I received God into my life, I figured that I could stand and fight against all odds, because after all, If my God is with me then whom shall I fear? Problem is, Satan has continually called my bluff, and he is dead right about me. I am a coward in my body at times, meaning that I am a coward to my faith, and thus I feel like I do not live up to what I need to be as a Christian. You know, sometimes I think that it is merely a glimmer of hope that I can still even call myself a Christian. After the last few weeks, I am not sure that it is even safe to say that any more. If I was observing me as a role-model for other Christians, I assume that everyone would just dismiss it as a passing fad that was never a force; after all, if THIS is what a man of God is then why would anyone revere him? If I am left to my own decision making, then I will make bad decisions every time. Call it my flesh if you want, but I will call it a pre-disposition that I have had coupled with pre-conceived notions of how things tend to implode once I ever put my feelings on the line for anything that I care about. But that is only a nutshell of what has happened.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Still not crying yet? Not moved at all? maybe you are a better person and stronger Christian than I am. And if so, then maybe you can skip the rest of this post, and wait for a sunny day post like I am likely to have happen next week.*** I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. When I was a borderline alcoholic and abused drugs I still hardly ever cried like I have. I have been off by myself. I have avoided family, friends, and loved ones. I have had little time for things that I like to do, rather only playing late night video games, and watching tv shows from yesteryear. I think I sleep about 4 hours a night now as my mind constantly races. My lack of self esteem has helped contribute to my lack of exercise, which has helped me shoot back up from 197 to 218 as of yesterday morning. I am spiraling out of control. I have not hurt like this in some time. It has strained my marriage, causing further depression. Sometimes when I look at my daughter I just start to cry. I am almost crying as I write this. Do I need medication? No, I just need understanding. I need help to lift me up when I feel weak. Unfortunately the strain on my marriage has left me and my best friend at odds. She wants to help, but sometimes doesn’t have the patience to do so. I was talking to another dear friend today before I started to write this, and I used phrases like, “I have no line of sight to God right now. It’s like he is a lighthouse in a storm filled water, and I cannot paddle hard enough to get back to the shores.” I also said “If I looked at a Christian like me, hypocrite is what my lips would be saying -I am just a fair weather christian…I say I want Christ, but what I want is a decent life, and I strive to serve my life instead of Him. And it hurts me worse than anything.” I also told her that “I was happy that God deemed me not worthy at present to assist people in faith by becoming a Deacon. Imagine how bad that would be.” I told her: “God wasn’t just a “problem” that I needed fixed, He rather was a glaring omission in my life.  I think he allowed me to make so many horrible choices that I have resigned myself to no way out of it except through Him, but I can’t get to him due to my flesh. I fail daily and that makes me a failure at what I want to do for him, too.” I ended by finally saying, “It seems that the only thing I have now is a glimmer of hope in Christ, and my body is too wracked with pain to get to where I need to be.” Satan is winning here, folks. I don’t know what else to say. I am a classic case of someone that needs to be around other Christian folks, and yet I push any and every person away from me as quickly as possible now a days. That to me is a new kind of depression. One where I am not only apart from my family, but away from my God. I was almost at the end of a few different ropes, before I decided to seek help. Help for me started easily as I looked to some examples of adversity that are now thriving. One of course is Tim Tebow who has the sole responsibility of bringing Christianity into locker rooms, homes, and households everywhere after every football game. He is a light inside the dark world of leadership in pro sports, and outside of our church buildings. The man has to be God’s child – just look at what all he is accomplishing. But then I also had to break out the big gun. Well…small gun.

The ringer God picked that was going to whip MY hind end back out of my spiritual funk was my buddy Jamie Roberts.

Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful

Proverbs 27:5-6

Now, this “buddy” is not really a buddy at all. She is a loved one. In fact, she knows it, and my mom knows it, but even though she grew up in a different part of town and with different parents, she is my real sister. I love her. I love her very, very much in fact. She was my first girlfriend in elementary school. She was my first girlfriend in High School. Just thinking of her can put a smile on my face any time of day. She is now a very well respected friend of mine, who I often refer to as an angel.**** Surely God put her in my life for many purposes, but now today she is there for a very special purpose;  she is as tough as nails. Jamie, in her off-time from being a nurse at Markay Cancer Center in Lexington is a sawed of spiritual little 5’1″ drill sergeant. Jamie is a freak of nature. She is a single-parent of 2 kids in high school. She works a huge amount of hours every week while also spending her time in church as much as she can.   Bluntly speaking…she is a lot like God wants me to be. Unapologetic for her ways, and willing to listen while objectively giving greatly needed spiritual knowledge backed up with scripture. She gives no quarter, and will not allow you to wallow in self-pity. I have heard stories of how she came to know Christ, and how dark those days were for her. She was on her way to a full-ride promising education at a pristine university in our home town when she made a poor judgement decision that led her to her first child at 18. She had another just a few years later. She did not know Christ. She was lost. A lost soul looking for any answers, and trying to make ends meet. She put herself through school. She has done more in the last 15 years than I could have ever imagined possible. But she is humble. My sweet God in Heaven, is she humble. Everything good – came from God. Everything bad – will be fixed by God. Any issues – squash them, it “ain’t nothing to God.” When I started to tell her how I felt, she immediately started firing back at me with scriptures. For every excuse, or pitiful thing going on with me and in my life, she pointed to a prominant figure in the Bible, and how God would go on to use them. Jesus was kind to the sinner, and critical to the spiritually strong. And if I thought that I was the first one that has had issues with my spirituality, then boy was I sorely mistaken.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend

Proverbs 27:17

And I needed that “pep talk” today. I needed a spiritual kick in the pants. I snapped out of some of my funk immediately, and can feel a change in my sails. Who knew that the pint-sized dynamo would do it again? Well played God…I never saw that one coming. I almost felt that it was when i saw her asking how I was doing over a span of a few days and not getting an answer. She got the call from Christ that one of the flock wasn’t doing right, and was bucking the system. She responded as a true Christian, mother, friend and big sister would. She broke down my issues and told me to suck it up. Things are not, nor will they be perfect in this lifetime. My life is not all that I hoped that it would be right now, and that hurts. But with the grace of the Lord, and with the help of my loved ones and good friends, I will be ok. After all, we are not to try to get what we want here, but rather get what we desire in Heaven. It’s good to receive some help along the way there.

*If you have no pressure being a Christian, hats off to you. It is a full time job for me, with overtime and no holidays, and no bonuses. The retirement program is kinda nice though.

**Matthew 6:34

***Hopefully anyways…;)

****Thus the angel pic. She is NOT a photo taker, and at her request I did not include a picture of her.